Stuck in the Middle

The Stuck in the Middle Generation is one of life's most stressful, most difficult and challenging seasons of life. Our churches are filled with people experiencing this season, between aging parents needing care and providing care for their own children.

A Los Angeles Times article "Stuck in the Middle" recently heralded the fact that many baby boomers are doing double duty as caretakers for children and parentss. The author writes, "Guilt and stress are the hallmarks of life as a member of this generation"

Today's adult children often find themselves wedged between the responsibilities of raising their own children and helping ailing parents, often while working full time. This balancing act is extraordinarily difficult.

Here are some helpful suggestions.

1. Take care of yourself. Isn’t that selfish? If you don’t take care of yourself, you have nothing to offer to others older or younger than yourself.

2. Set aside time for spiritual reflection and renewal.
   Jesus said to his disciples, “Come apart and rest for awhile.” He invited them. You know why? He knew if they didn’t come apart and rest for a while they would come apart in other ways. Cultivate your own relationship with the Lord. That sounds pretty basic. But we can get caught in the middle of this, and get so busy that we become a “Martha”. We become so busy we forget to worship. Jesus rebuked her and said only one thing is necessary. “Get a grip”
   (LTB)

3. Take time for your own marriage. I don’t believe it’s God’s will to sacrifice our relationship with our spouse for anyone else in this world. You may disagree with me, but I take you to Ephesians and the tremendous importance 
   that the Lord places on marriage. Don’t neglect your own family to take care of your parent(s). Aren’t they my family? Yes, but taking care of husband or wife and children is your first responsibility.

4. Keep the lines of communication open. Talk about it. How many times in counseling, the wife says “Talk to me” and the husband replies, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m thinking.” Little by little, if you ask the right questions; eventually communication begins. Where there is communication, there is healing. Ministry takes place. Keep your family and friends informed about what’s going on. Don’t take anything for granted.

5. Be informed about resources, ministries or agencies that are available in your own community. For example, how about “Meals on Wheels” …..or adult care centers? I visited one just a few weeks ago and it was tremendous. Aging parents, senior adults, cared for during the day and returning home in the evening were all a part of this environment. Many people don’t know this resource may be available in their community.

6. Establish a support system. Realize up front that you are not “Wonder Woman” or “Superman”. You can’t do it alone. You can try. But there are those around you who can help. Maybe it’s not even family. There are friends. How many times have you said to someone, “If I can do anything, let me know?" The night my Mom died, I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door and
   do you know who was there? It was one of my son’s high school buddies. One of my son’s best friends came by to give him a hug and a card. I don’t know how much you understand about male vs. female, or Mars vs. Venus, but guys don’t do that kind of thing often enough. My son opened the card, and found a handwritten note. When I read it, I wept. His buddy said, “A few years ago, I lost my grandfather. I loved my grandfather like you loved your grandmother. I hurt so badly and nobody was there for me. I deter-mined back then, that when I had a friend lose a grandparent, I was going to be there for them.” He wrote, “Anything I can do, if you need to go to a movie or need to go for a ride, if you need to just sit and talk, will you call me?” I think we can learn something here about support.

7. This is a difficult time for your parent(s) as well. Sometimes we forget that we’re not the only part of the equation. It is a difficult time for Mom and Dad, too.

8. Allow yourself time to accept. Permit yourself to accept or even mourn the changing relationship between you and your parents, because no one is ever fully prepared for what is ahead.

9. Plan ahead. As much as is possible, think things through before they happen. My Mom was with us Thanksgiving. Her health wasn’t 100% so I said, “Mom when you go home, I want you and David (my older brother) to sit down and talk about some things just in case the Lord decides to take you home sooner than you are planning on.” Do you know what? They went home and talked. How much easier it was for my brother when Mom died, because he was able to say, “this is what Mom wanted.” Knowing your parents goals and values, their dreams and desires, is vital to successfully traversing the final steps of life’s journey.

10. Enlist your workplace. Many workplaces have helpful programs already set in motion. Check with your employer to see if your work hours can be adjusted to accommodate responsibilities with your children or parents. Open communication with your boss will increase the chances of providing opportunities to meet needs for you and other employees. 22 million people are involved in some form of caregiving.

11. Accept the fact that you will have good days and bad days. Those around you will love you and understand if they are included in the process. Consider your parents’ feelings and their desires. They are part of this as well. Think about your parents’ independence and dignity. You will help them make some of the most difficult decisions they will ever face. Allow them to do whatever they can for themselves for as long as they can.

12. Take one day at a time. “God has not promised skies always blue and flower strewn pathways all our lives through. God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But, God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for every trial, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love.” That’s what God has promised.

13. Give back to your parents now. There was a day when all they did was give to you. It is the cycle of life. To everything, there is a season. Give back to your parents and take care of your children. I tease my son who wants to become a pediatric surgeon. I tell him, “Go for it. When you become a pediatric surgeon, Dad is going to retire and come live with you.” While I am kidding, that may one day be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take Good care of your parents, of yourself and of your children. Someday you may need to call 1-800-Help Kids, and they will be there for you.