Merry Medicine

Fearful of several predicted earthquakes in their area, a California couple sent their six-year-old son to stay with his aunt and uncle in another state and sent them an e-mail with this brief message: “We are in imminent danger. We’re sending your nephew.”

After several days of trying to take care of this very rowdy youngster, they put him back on the bus and sent this e-mail: “We are returning your son. Please send us the earthquake!”

“Business has been terrible,” sighed Mr. Jones. “Monday we had only one customer, Tuesday we had no customers, and Wednesday was worse still.” “How could it be worse than Tuesday?” asked Mr. Smith. “Because on Wednesday, our one customer from Monday came back to the store and asked for a refund on the suit he bought!”

“This is the very finest hearing aid on the market today,” bragged Mr. Willis. “I paid close to $3,000 for it.” “What kind is it?” asked a friend. “Half past five,” he replied.

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in the hospital for several years and felt very uncomfortable with all of the new technology. As she got on the elevator, a technician got on as well wheeling a very large, intimidating looking machine with lots of tubes and wires and dials. “I surely would not want to be hooked up to that machine,” she said. “Neither would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor cleaning machine!”

When my grandson, Andy, was five, he sat through a teaching by our pastor about good kings and bad kings. When he got to Sunday school, his teacher asked what Pastor had taught about, and Andy said he had talked about bad kings. She asked why they were bad, and Andy answered: “Because they threw eggs at all the people.” The teacher asked him to explain, and Andy replied: “Well, Pastor said the king put heavy yolks on all the people.”

My great granddaughter was four years old when she heard about how God created everything. She said, “Well, He must have done it all with His left hand because Jesus is sitting on His right hand.”

Miriam Machovec

“Young man,” said the stern moralist to the young lad fishing on the creek bank, “Your time must not be very valuable. I’ve been watching you two hours and you haven’t had a single bite.”

“Well, stranger,” the lad replied, “I consider my time too valuable to waste two hours of it watching another guy fishing when he ain’t catching anything!”

A highway patrolman stopped a man for speeding. While the patrolman was coming to his car, the man quickly fastened his seat belt.

When asked if he always drove with the seat belt fastened, the man replied, “Oh, yes, sir! Yes, sir!”

Patrolman: “Do you always thread it through the steering wheel like that?”

Wife, driving into the garage, came into the house and threw the keys on the table: “I had a small accident with the car. It is the right front fender! If you want to see it, it’s in the trunk!”

A lady locked her keys in her car. She called her husband across town to come with his keys. He grumbled that it would take at least 40 minutes, then said he would be there.

She went back to the car and discovered the passenger door was unlocked—so she locked it!

A middle-aged couple was returning from their rocky, three-day honeymoon. They were driving through the countryside, and the bride was sitting as close to her door as possible. They were not talking.

Finally, the man broke the silence. “See that mule out there in the field? Are you kin to it?”

Her response, “Only by marriage.”

Diet Plan for the Holidays:

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost 5 pounds.”

When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr. Smith nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping!”

Nostalgia is when you find the present tense and the past perfect.

Car sickness is the feeling you get every month when the car payment is due.

An experienced and appreciated husband is one who remembers his wife’s birthday but forgets which one it is.

Doctor: “You’re coughing more easily today.”

Patient: “I should be. I’ve been practicing all night.”

A burglar entered a minister’s house at midnight. Drawing his gun, he said, “If you stir, I’ll shoot you. I just want your money.” “Let me get up and turn the light on,” said the minister, “and I’ll hunt with you.”

Patient: “Why are the blinds closed, doctor?”

Doctor: “There’s a big fire across the street. I didn’t want you coming out of the anesthesia and thinking the operation was a failure.”

Frequent naps prevent old age—especially if taken while you are driving.

Mechanic to the owner of an old, broken-down car: “Let me put it this way—if your car were a horse, it would have to be shot.”

World traveler: There’s a line on the ocean where you lose a day when you cross it. It’s called the “international date line.”

Local resident: I can beat that. There’s a line on our highway where you can lose the rest of your days when you cross it. It’s called the “middle stripe.”

Drive carefully. Remember, a car is not the only thing that can be recalled by its maker.

While on vacation with our five children, our youngest daughter exclaimed, “Mother, how does that fan keep all of these cows cool?” We all laughed when we realized she was pointing to a windmill.

Juanita Ward, Amarillo, TX

Our three-year-old granddaughter stood up excitedly in a restaurant one day when a friend of ours entered and said, “Here comes Jesus!” I was puzzled as to why she thought this man was Jesus. Then I remembered that one Sunday when she was sitting in church with me, I gave her some money as the collection basket was being passed and said, “Give this to Jesus.” This man was the usher that day. Etta Nash, Mio, MI

When asked what they learned in Sunday school, these children responded:

“I learned about how God makes jelly,” Brenda reported.

Grandma questioned, “Are you sure that was what your teacher said?”

“Yes,” Brenda replied, “she said God

makes preserves and keeps us.”

Henry told Grandma his Sunday school lesson was all about houses. “What kind of houses?” Grandma asked. Henry replied, “My shack, your shack, and a bungalow.”

Gordon Preiser, Eustis, FL

Two senior adult women decided to take a ride on a beautiful day. They got in
the car and set out to relax.

As they went through town, the driver ran a red light. The passenger was shaken but didn’t say anything. Soon, the driver ran another red light. Again the passenger was a little worried but chose not to say anything.

As they were approaching another red light, the passenger asked, “Are you
going to run this light too?”

To which the surprised woman replied, “Am I driving?”

Little Alex asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Alex thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Amanda was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came to her pew, she said to her grandpa, "Don't worry about paying for me, Grandpa. I'm still under five!"

"I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious and asked him, "What trick is that?" "Oh, I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Do you say your prayers before eating?" "No sir," Jenell replied. "We don't have to because my mom's a good cook!"

Previous Dosages:

From The Mouths of Babes
Our continuing collection of the great things that kids' say. If only they could stay little...

Stop Me If You've Heard This...
Take a look at some of our favorite funny anecdotes, cartoons and just plain ol' jokes!