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The Periodic Midlife/Longlife Update E-newsletter
The Periodic Midlife/Longlife Update E-newsletter
is devoted to sharing information and enhancing excellence in ongoing faith and holistic formation for maturing adults from midlife through end of life.
Bill Prather, Founder and Director
of Partners In Pastoral Care
seeks to provide members with an ongoing flow of practical information that leaders/models can use directly with adults of all ages. Training is also offered through the educational arm of Partners in Pastoral Care.
All opinions expressed herein are those of the author. Permission is granted to reproduce this issue in whole or in part as long as its source is identified.
13300-56 South Cleveland Avenue
Suite 238
Fort Myers, FL 33907
239.482.3212
239 482 3212 fax Shepardscare@aol.com
www.partnersinpastoralcare.org
Unless we understand a person’s pain we will never understand a person’s soul.
In This Issue:
1. Notion of ‘fat and jolly’ is folly. 2. Seven Trends in Aging Related to Church
3. The Spiritual Life of an 80 Year Old 4. Marriage: it only gets worse! 5. A Coaching Tool: What Cancer Cannot Do 6. Book Review: Who Stole My Church
1. A recent Associated press article summarized the research findings of Dr. Gregory Simon, as reported in last July’s issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study of more than 9,000 adults found that mood and anxiety disorders including depression were almost 25% more common in the obese people studied than in the non-obese subjects in the study.
Dr. Simon found a strong link between obesity and depression and other mood disorders. “Whether the obesity might cause these problems or is the result of them is not certain.”
The results “suggest that the cultural stereotype of the jolly fat person is more a figment of our imagination than a reality,” said Dr. Wayne Fenton of the National Institute of Mental Health, which funded the study.
2. In an article, Examine the Implications of Aging Trends for your Church, that appeared in the February 2008 issue of Church Executive, author and presenter Charles Arn presents us with seven trends in aging that directly affect church. They are:
Average life expectancy is rising, and churches need to focus more keenly on older adult issues.
Coaching note: Present life expectancy age for women is now 81.8 years and for males 78 years. That being a statistical fact, allow me to give you another: Presently there are an estimated 67,000+ centenarians in the United States with another estimated 580,605 by the year 2040.
Our focus on longlife ministry desperately needs to be honed to razor sharpness. “Why desperately,” some may ask. A spiritual answer is found in the scriptural passage of Zachariah’s song: Luke 1: 76b – 79.
Idea note: Create a demographic study of your particular faith community, as well as, community at large. Use the findings to assess wanted, perceived “general” needs along with the real and specific needs of the Midlife and Longlife generations. Identify various types of ministry presently being provided. Asses the quality (not quantity) of each. Is there something that can do better? Is there duplication. Are there community agencies that can be partnered with? You get the idea! Then turn your attention to prioritizing areas of “real” need. Is it character development? Is it spiritual wholeness? Is it activity development. Is it health related? Etc. As you prioritize the ministries you want to develop, set goals as to time of implementation.
Some 700,000 women lose their husbands each year and will be widows for an average of 14 years. Coaching note: One of the greatest spiritual and emotional needs for a new widow is someone to “just be a listener.”
Idea note: Learn all you can about community resources that may be available to those who are experiencing loss and grief. Personally attend. Share with the facilitator your reasons for wanting to “sit in” and gain experience in listening. Recommend, if you know someone who needs a support group. Read “Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst.
The number of widowed men 65 and older is 50 higher than it was 20 years ago. Coaching note: Men are not so apt to want to attend a support group. Furthermore, white men are the most likely to die by suicide, especially if they are socially isolated or live alone. You have seen listed in the “obits” of the local newspaper where a man died shortly after his wife’s death. More often than not, the man has committed suicide. Seldom is the cause of death, reported. Idea note: If there is ever a time that a Midlife/Longlife leader or pastor is profoundly effective with a man, it is in developing a relationship. This relationship building becomes easier and more important once a man is in his late 50s or early sixties. What a opportunity to lead a man to Christ’s salvation by contacting him shortly following his spouses death and offering your friendship. You that are female leaders, I suggest gathering one or more Christian “fill the gap” of ministry, in this way.
Household debt for those 65 and older is up 164 percent in eight years to $21,452. Coaching note: And 89% of these folks are not aware that financial counseling and/or assistance is available. 91% will not allow their children talk to them about financial issues. In fact, they will try to hide any of these difficulties from them. Idea note: At least once a year, provide for and promote throughout your local community to those of Midlife/Longlife age a program lead by a financial planner that specializes in elder issues and has received additional training and is certified as a “Senior Advisor.” The initials, CSA that you will see after a person’s name, is the official title of a senior advisor that has gone through this focused elder care financial training.
An active social life and meaningful relationships help seniors live better and longer lives. Coaching note: We all know this. But, I would like to add that there is nothing like social activity and relationship with younger generations. I spend no less than six hours in a workshop setting helping an all age group come to a common objective. That being to bridge the generational disconnect, to foster empathy and appreciation of elders as valuable members of the community and/or faith group, through promotion of respectful, caring, meaningful, and mutually rewarding interactions between the younger and the Midlife/Longlife generations. Idea note: Initiate partnerships with those in leadership of younger generations to provide opportunities for conversations, programs, creative projects and special events. All intentionally inner-generational designed to create meaningful socially active, pleasurable, wholesome, and long lasting relationships.
Research shows that a positive attitude prolongs life, while depression and hostility contribute to illness.
Coaching note: Since negative emotions can have an adverse effect on longevity and positive or “good” feelings produce very little stress, it only makes sense that leaders and caretakers of the Midlife/Longlife generations only promote enjoyable aspects of ministry. Of course, I am not suggesting that the Gospel be compromised in any way. Remember the old song, Joy Unspeakable?”
Idea note: Invite a gerontologist as guest speaker to present the benefits of positive attributes at our age.
Sing all types of songs that produce “good feelings,” remembering that the body and soul thrive on happiness and hopefulness.
Research indicates that aging brains are far more vigorous, resilient, and fertile than previously thought.
Coaching note: Yes, the myth that as we grow older we grow more and more senile. Studies in England show the people become more conscientious and agreeable as they age, but loose the social vitality and openness to experience.
This is not so much personality change, but a change in the types of interaction. As we get older we become less self-aware and more affected by other difficulties which make us less able to respond to other people and harder to communicate with.
Let’s realize that as we grow older we often withdraw from the wider society and concentrate on a small number of close friends. One theory attempts to explain this suggesting that when people sense time is short, they prioritize “emotionally meaningful” goals.
Instead of broad social stimulation, these people choose reliable, close relationships.
Idea note: Make yourself available and intentionally make close friendships with those you shepherd.
Further reading: Melton, L., How brainpower can help you cheat old age. On my annual personal retreat I picked up a small pamphlet by Joan Chittister, who I believe is a prophetic voice among us who have been called to minister to the Midlife/Longlife generations. The pamphlet is titled; Living in the Breath of the Spirit: reflections on prayer. In the beginning she states, “There is no way that the spiritual life of a twenty five year old can match the spiritual life of and eighty year old.” I like that very much, because it echo my belief that as we grow older, our spiritual quest grows stronger!
Sister Joan, a nun, goes on to say that it’s not that the spiritual life of an 80 year old is any better than the spiritual life of a 25 year old, it’s just that it’s different. How true. Each stage and phase of life presents its own life lessons, its own spiritual “work.”
As leaders/pastors we are called to strenuously and passionately work with those in our care, to intentionally address that spiritual work. Do you realize that one of the greatest myths in the church today is that after a certain age, one has it all together, spiritually. At a certain age, the spiritual apex is met. Far from the truth of the matter!
One of the workshops I give goes to this very point. The Ten Spiritual Developmental Tasks of the Renewal Years: Strengthening spirituality in the Midlife and Beyond. Come find out for yourself how these spiritual tasks spell the difference between living the last third of life with luster or lifelessness.
It started out with this quote: Couples irritate each other more as they age, but that means they’re close. I found this intriguing enough for me to read on. “New research,” it said, “suggests couples view one another as even more irritating and demanding the longer they are together.” It went on to state that over time, those things that originally irritated them about their spouse, irritate them more as time goes on, not less!
“As we age and become closer and more comfortable with one another, it could be that we’re more able to express ourselves to each other,” said lead study author Kira Birditt, a research fellow at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research. “In other words, it’s possible that negativity is a normal aspect of close relationships that include a great deal of daily contact.”
This finding is contradictory to established thinking in gerontology, which seems to indicate that as we healthfully mature we become more accepting, more at ease, and more adaptable in our relationships. Yet the researchers found that while this may be true in relationships with friends and family, it was not true with spousal relationships. This research seems to support the old adage that familiarity breeds contempt. Yet, and this is important, when spousal relationships of elder couples were compared with younger couples, it was the younger couples that had the most criticism of their spouses. Go figure!!!
Just for the record, Bettyann and I have been married for nearly 42 years now, and I can categorically say the findings of this research do not in any way reflect my observations and lived experience with Bettyann. Of course I guess you’d have to ask her for her input on this question.
5.During my easiest days, as a hospice chaplain, my whole being struggled with the sear number of patients I would befriend, love and minister. The volume of cancer patients was especially overwhelming. It came to the place of, “Lord what more can I say or how much more can I give?” You know what it’s like when you have run out of words, or at lose as how to comfort, right? In my wife’s sensitivity she provided homemade, laminated cards with the following script and suggested I offer them to my cancer patients and/or their family members. Physicians, nurses, case workers and other chaplains have asked me for them over the years, as well. Literally hundreds of people have appreciated and been blessed by the truth written on a small card. I offer it to you to use whenever you don’t know what else to say to a cancer victim.
Cancer is so limited …
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.
6.We all have been informed that church attendance in America is in decline and many churches are losing the influence they once had in their communities. While there are many books that try to explain and rationalize this theory away, the truth remains… Church just isn’t at the top of people’s priority list anymore. Generally the younger believer feels the church is no longer relevant or is not doing a good job meeting “their needs”. The Midlife generation typically has a hard time grasping and accepting change and the elderly are flat out crying, “Someone stole the church I once loved!”
Gordon MacDonald has addressed this reality in his new book, WHO STOLE MY CHURCH? MacDonald uses a fictional church in the New England states that is going through a transitional period and many of the members are finding this change hard to grasp. The story may be fictional but as Gordon explains in the preface that some of the ideas behind this book were based on actual events he faced in the five churches and forty seven years he served as a pastor. McDonald writes as if the book was his own personal journal as he has a profile of each fictional character at the beginning of each chapter; then goes on to write about an event that involved this person. The gist of the book covers topics that churches struggle in particular such as worship, change, vision, and strategy. Most of this book centers around the church struggling to deal with the direction the fictional church is heading, namely the worship music and a possible name change for the church.
All in all I enjoyed WHO STOLE MY CHURCH. This book was very helpful in bringing to reality that the Church as a whole is changing and that reality does not have to be a bad thing. I really think Gordon McDonald made some great and convincing arguments for change. I also felt that he did an excellent job by not “beating up” the Longlife generation for being the way they are. He helps us understand that there are traditions and rituals that have been a major part of the Christian walk for a very long time. I think he makes a yeoman’s effort and does in most cases, gives hope to every generation.Everyone who ministers too and is of the Midlife/Longlife generations would benefit from reading this book.
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